Determining whether to end a relationship often presents a complex dilemma, with many individuals experiencing a sense of ambivalence. According to Kassandra Mourikis, a sex and relationships therapist based in Naarm/Melbourne, many people grapple with uncertainty, frequently oscillating between the desire to stay and the motivation to leave. As relationships face challenges, the decision to separate or divorce can become increasingly difficult.
Ms. Mourikis points out that feelings of ambivalence may linger for an extended period. Individuals might find themselves weighing the pros and cons of their relationship, leading to a sense of frustration. Sian Khuman, a consultant psychologist and couple and family therapist, notes that while some may experience a sudden realization that their relationship has ended, for others, the transition is anything but straightforward. She emphasizes that separating is often not the easiest answer, particularly when children are involved.
Identifying the Signs of Relationship Breakdown
There are numerous factors that can contribute to the deterioration of a relationship. Ms. Mourikis highlights common issues such as breaches of trust, poor communication, emotional distance, lack of validation, and sexual dissatisfaction. Many of these factors can lead to a gradual decline rather than an abrupt ending. Financial preparedness is crucial when considering separation, especially for women, as Ms. Mourikis advises.
The themes that frequently arise in couples’ therapy include challenges related to love and affection, as well as inequities in household and caregiving responsibilities. Ms. Khuman explains that couples often struggle with the balance of personal time, family commitments, and downtime. When these aspects become misaligned, it prompts consideration of the relationship’s viability.
Once the topic of separation is introduced, the stability of the relationship can diminish significantly.
Recognizing Indifference and Emotional Disconnection
Feelings of indifference, where individuals become disengaged or emotionally withdrawn, may signal that the relationship has reached its conclusion. Ms. Mourikis describes this state as one where individuals may express a lack of concern for the relationship, stating things like, “I don’t really care anymore.” In such situations, partners may prioritize other aspects of their lives, such as work or friendships, over their relationship.
Ms. Khuman employs a unique approach in therapy by asking couples to rate their willingness to work on the relationship using a percentage scale. A score below 50 percent may indicate a lack of motivation to repair or improve the relationship, limiting the potential for effective therapy.
High conflict and persistent fighting can create an environment where partners react based on past grievances, complicating efforts to resolve issues. Ms. Khuman suggests that couples may need space to recalibrate before addressing their problems.
Notably, relationship researcher John Gottman identifies four key behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—that can predict a relationship’s demise. If these patterns dominate a couple’s interactions, he warns, the likelihood of divorce increases. However, with a mutual willingness to address these issues, recovery remains possible.
Evaluating Core Values and Enjoyment in Relationships
Conflicts in core values, personalities, or beliefs can lead individuals to question the future of their relationship. Ms. Mourikis suggests that self-reflection is essential during this time. Realizing that certain behaviors or traits are no longer acceptable can prompt partners to reconsider their compatibility.
Additionally, a decline in friendship and enjoyment of each other’s company can signal trouble in a relationship. According to Ms. Khuman, some couples may not experience overt conflicts but still find that they no longer wish to be together. This situation can be particularly challenging, as there may be no clear trigger for the relationship’s decline.
Questions to Consider Before Making a Decision
Facing the prospect of ending a relationship can be daunting, leading many individuals to delay making a decision. Ms. Mourikis observes that many Australians are marrying and divorcing less frequently, reflecting broader social changes. Individuals may remain in unsatisfactory relationships for extended periods because addressing the issue feels more challenging than maintaining the status quo.
To assist in the decision-making process, Ms. Mourikis recommends reflecting on key aspects of the relationship. Questions such as whether there are unresolved issues that have been tolerated, or what experiences are desired moving forward, can provide clarity. Seeking support from a counselor or therapist can also be beneficial in exploring these feelings.
Ultimately, while the decision to end a relationship is a deeply personal one, recognizing the signs and reflecting on one’s needs can guide individuals toward a resolution that fosters personal growth and well-being.
This article provides general information and should not replace professional advice tailored to individual circumstances.
